Do You Find It Hard To Make Your Own Decisions?

I’ve been hesitant to write this post but I need to put this to rest once and for all because I cant be the only one that goes through such anxiety when it comes to making decisions big or small.

Do you find yourself getting in a pickle when it comes to making decisions?

Do you have mini anxiety attacks when something is left in your hands to deal with?

Do you get flustered when choosing paint for your bedroom?

Do you give yourself headaches when it comes to replying to a text message from Him/Her?

Do you work up a sweat choosing a juicy steak or a sweet sticky rack of ribs?

You get the drift…Lol

See the thing with me is I’ve had this problem from a very young age. I never liked to get in trouble and would get upset whenever I didn’t do something right. This resulted in me constantly asking questions, seeking validation and simply just going by what many others have told me I should do or what they would do.

Overtime I have struggled to make the some of the simplest and most life changing decisions and I’m not sure how to control my thoughts in a way where I don’t need to ask anyone what they think or if they would do this.

I mean It’s normal for us women to confide in our closest family/friends when it comes to romantic relationships right? But is it normal to ask a friend if you should take a potential job that could change your life? is it normal to ask about starting your own business which could possibly mean travelling the world and working from home? what about asking someone if you should save up to travel the world or for a car that you know you probably wont ever drive?

Are you getting where I’m going with this? I mean maybe it is just me and I am seriously messed up. But I’ve built this way of thinking where if I don’t get the “OK” from someone/anyone then I just cant proceed. Of course this isn’t with every decision I make although I must admit its a large majority.

If any of you have gone through or are going through the same thing I’d love to know what you do or have done to stop seeking such validation and just get on with it.

 

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My First Solo Trip To Portugal !

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Yes you read that CORRECT! I took my very first solo trip abroad to Portugal and I loved every minute of it. I’ll start off by saying it was much better more experience than Tenerife. The people are so welcoming and friendly. I stayed in Lagos near the Algarve where the weather wasn’t too bad to start with and got a lot better nearing the end of the week. I’ll be honest and say it did get quite cool as well as a bit windy but apart from that the weather out there is lovely. It rained once and the lowest temperature was about 17°c.
I was overly excited booking my trip but as the days got closer I couldn’t help but get more and more nervous. I’ve wanted to go away for the longest but I was unsure about the “Right Time”. For those of you waiting for that “Right Time” believe me you will be waiting FOREVER!. I had so many excuses e.g. Wanting to earn enough throughout the year and then travel next year. I remember talking to my close friends, family and work colleges about just wanting to get away, especially with everything I put myself through within the previous years. After doing some research on where to go I ended up on Lastminute.com getting more and more hyped up at the hotels, the facilities and the excursions so boom I just booked it with just about £300 in my savings.
BIG MISTAKE, I rushed into putting down a deposit on a holiday I wasn’t too sure about without doing enough research and going through other options. I continued to look and found the perfect holiday knowing I had already partially paid for another which still didn’t stop me. So I booked that and unfortunately lost my £80.00 deposit for the holiday I first booked.
How Much Did My Holiday Cost?
My Holiday cost around £350.00 Bed and Breakfast, Transfers to and back, Hotel and flights.
How Much Money Did I Spend ?
I was told to bring at least £400.00 with me (Baring in mind I was there for 4 nights) I thought this was way too much for such a short period of time and started to worry because I only planned on bringing £200 with me. I decided to only change up £250.00 and got €280.00.
Was that enough money?
I’ll be honest and say yes, if you are someone that is going somewhere to relax, unwind, wants to have nice meals by the beach, visit a few restaurants here and there then that’s absolutely fine. 100% NOT if on the other hand you’d like to go on crazy excursions like Sky Diving, Parasailing, Kayaking, Jet Skiing etc.. I partially booked to go Parasailing but unfortunately it was cancelled. I also booked to go Kayaking but the weather that day was choppy so I decided not to go. Both excursions cost €40.00 each. So yeah I saved quite a bit there Lol.
Which Hotel Did I Stay In?
Separate post for this question.
What Was The Food Like?
Separate post for this question.
Would I Go Back?
100% YES !
Pros Of Travelling Solo:
  • Your able to go at your own pace, wake up at whatever time you want and do what you need to do during the day without having to consult with whoever you’re travelling with.
  • Trips to the restaurant are a breeze. No having to wait for someone to decide what they want and you don’t have to wait for anyone else to finish eating lol.
  • It’s so peaceful not having to share a bed or your bathroom facilities.
  • You get time for yourself, to reflect, detox, de stress and tune into some good old self care.
  • I was able to take an Uber around which cost no more than £3.00 each trip which were at least 15 mins long.
  • Being able to try different foods is AMAZING !
  • Enjoying and properly taking in your surroundings, not getting angry at those in front of you for walking slow because you’re also enjoying the scenery.
  • Getting out there in the first place. Being able to actually get on that plane is a huge achievement in itself. Can’t lie I felt some slight anxiety just before entering my plane, I started to think about family and whether I really wanted to go through with it but I did and I’m so happy I did.
  • Good weather !
  • Being able to communicate with someone at home. My sister called me every single day while I was out there which made me feel 100x better.
Cons Of Travelling Solo:
  • There’s no one to take pictures of you, I mean unless you’re not shy to ask like I was then you’ll be fine Lol.
  • It can get lonely. Where I stayed was almost like a couples resort so seeing everyone with their partners was a little distracting.
  • You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. There were times where I was offered to take a taxi but I refused because I felt much safer with an Uber Driver.
  • Not many people speaking English, you do feel a bit out of place when you don’t understand what people around you are saying. (Depends on where you go of course)
  • Getting lost of course and not really having a plan for what you’re doing can ruin such an experience. It’s so important to know where your going, and having the right amount of money.

 

 

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I Got Too Involved #RideOrDie (Part 12)

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I visited him every 2 weeks after the first visit. I made a lot of sacrifices at the time but I didn’t care, as long as I got to see Him. For some reason I was always so excited despite the long waits, finger print scanning and sniffer dogs.

I just loved the fact that we were able to sit in a moment together just talking and joking for hours. No phones ringing, no interruptions. We hardly ever got to speak much on a serious level because he was such a closed person. He managed to get himself a job in the prison and was doing pretty well behavior wise so all I could think of was “early release”

I got myself so involved that I sent him things and wrote to him on a regular basis. I loved receiving phone calls (even though they only lasted 10 minutes) and letters from him which I put l in a special box along with the multicolored wristbands the prison gave you every visit.

I got so comfortable with the whole thing it became apart of my life. I put off plans and wanted to reach home at a certain time so I could read his letters, answer his phone calls on time, information about his case and speaking to solicitors. This is where the glue started to stick. I was informed he needed to provide some personal paper work which I had no idea how I was going to retrieve and on top of that, money to even afford a solicitor. In all honestly money was never the issue he handled all of that. It was a lot trying to find someone cheap and someone who had dealt with a case like his before.

I had to get in contact with his family to get this paperwork and then send it all off to be reviewed. I set up visits for his close friends to see him as well as his Mum who had tried so long to reach him. In my eyes I became that ride or die chick, I did whatever I could if it meant him coming home. It was stressful but I did it anyway, I felt that I owed him a lot after the pain and betrayal I had caused him.

We finally got the great news that he’d be getting an early release as the paperwork I sent cleared. The very last visit we spoke about our future and our plans for when he got out. It all sounded like a dream especially after what we had been through it was like that bright light you see at the end of a very dark tunnel. That power couple that had been through a lot but still made it in the end.

Little did I know I was in for the biggest shock of my life.

Stay tuned for part 13…..

Single women are bitter and lonely ?

So I’ve been hearing and reading tweets, posts and memes about this for the longest time and I just wanted to share my thoughts with you all
 
As much as I’d like to say I understand where some people are coming from when they mention these types of things the way it’s said and portrayed is completely wrong.
 
Let’s give you an example “On a night out with your girls a guy approaches one of your friends, you know in your gut all he wants to do is take her home for the night and pretend she never existed the next day”
 
As a friend you can’t allow that to happen so you tell him she’s not interested, she doesn’t want a drink and of course the famous line “she has a man”. In the midst of that he’s brushing you off, telling you where to go and grabbing your friend by the wrist. You have no choice but to get physical and force him off of your friend. Things then get heated and this alcohol influenced guy (same goes for the sober ones) then decides to call you out of your name, calls you the ugly friend tells you you’re lonely and that no one wants you.
 
Unfortunately for some that may be true. But for someone that has experienced this it can hit a small nerve. Everyone knows being single can be very lonely at times. What a lot of people don’t understand is that most of us are single by choice and we make certain decisions based on the fact of experience.
 
We don’t want our friends going off with that guy because we know he’s a bum not because we’re jealous and we want some attention too. Let’s be honest a club may not be the best place to meet the man of your dreams. (For those who have I envy you a little lol).
 
Single women aren’t bitter they’re just tired of the countless amount of jerks that approach them with the same nonsense. No one knows about the abusive relationship that you survived from, no one knows that you’ve finally got over a cheating scumbag.
 
Who wants to be woken up with a text asking to meet up with someone at a hotel? A Hotel meet up with the privilege of getting a ride there and back home stupid hours of the morning….how many of you have been offered that service?
 
A date out to a very expensive restaurant in exchange for what’s in between your legs… yes ladies do not be fooled by the Shard or Steak and Lobster because 9 times out of 10 he just wants to be pleasured. It’s sad that men go through such extreme measures to woo a girl just for one thing. And please I know women do this too but we’ll get on that another time.
 
Another scenario ? Of course ! Let’s not forget about the “when are you coming to see me?” types of guys I know for sure that 90% of you get asked this question which is then answered with “but I barely know you…”. They then offer to take you out and for and the hungry girls in the back of course we say yes and get taken to whichever restaurant. We’re then having a meaningful conversation to then be hit with “so, do you have a man?” not to say anything is wrong with this but if she did I doubt she’d be there. I feel not many guys enjoy the stage of getting to know a lady which is why we’re so quick to snap back and get annoyed at the fact that he isn’t asking the right questions.
 
Yes some conversations can get boring and yes the getting to know you stage can be a drag but if a lady feels she is being asked pointless questions just to get in between her legs then she has every right to tell you where the hell to stick it. It’s not being bitter it’s protecting her feelings so she’s able to continue her search for the right one. No one likes to waste time and if you’re not what she’s looking for then it’s okay for her to say no. Again she’s not bitter she just knows what she wants and it’s not you.
 
So for you bitter ladies out there don’t be offended when you politely reject him and he then suddenly grows some balls to tell you “you’re ugly anyway” because he clearly isn’t the one for you. Some guys don’t know how to take rejection well and its not up to you to change that.
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My First Prison Visit (Part 11)

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Here I was, standing outside this building at about 9:00am surrounded by tall walls and humongous doors. I couldn’t believe where I was and what I had got myself into. I kept thinking what would my parents think about me visiting someone in prison. I was only a few meters away from some real dangerous people. I was so nervous I couldn’t believe I was about to do this.
I called my sister and we both prayed that the visit would go well, that he was okay and he’d be out soon. I told her that I was scared about his reaction. He didn’t even know I was coming but he knew he had a visit. I knew I was probably going to cry but I didn’t want to just in case it made him look bad. I really didn’t know how to act. I didn’t even know what to say to him since we left on such bad terms, I didn’t even know if he wanted to see me.
Nerves were throbbing through my veins, standing outside this building waiting to confirm who I was visiting. It was almost like a clinic, we all had to queue outside on a first come first serve basis. I kept looking through the window thinking i’d see him but it was nothing but empty tables and chairs it looked a bit like a church hall Lol. A woman next to me told me that he wouldn’t be in there as its just the waiting area for visitors. We had to go into the prison its self to be able to see them. My heart sunk, all I could think of was the amount of criminals inside that building. These huge doors would open and large white vans with blacked out windows would pass. I heard someone whisper “They’re on their way to court” as the vans went past it sent shivers up my spine.
Finally a woman came to open the doors and told us to grab a form to fill out the prisoners details and take a raffle ticket which contained a number that she’d eventually call out in order for us to go in. I believe I got number 3. So I filled out his details grabbed my ticket and went to the toilet. Everyone looked as if they’d been there before. They were all just so calm it made me feel a little out of place. It seemed as if I was the only new person there. Luckily a young girl was kind enough to show me how things worked.
I wasn’t allowed to bring anything with me apart from my locker key and some money to buy food from the canteen once I got inside. We put our belongings away and headed into another room to be scanned into their system. They took my passport details, a photo of me and my fingerprint. Scary right? it made me feel like I was the prisoner Lol. Once that was done they gave us a wristband and off we went back into the main room to wait for our number to be called.
“Number 3 !” I stood up and I swear I couldn’t feel my legs. Off we all went outside to then enter the main building……one by one we had to scan our fingerprints again…take off our shoes and go through metal detectors. As I put my shoes back on the young girl told me that we didn’t have to go through anymore security and once we leave this building we’d be going into the next building to see him. I took the biggest deep breath and held onto my chest.
We came out the security building which lead us to this small outside area. Facing me was this building that almost looked like a school there was a man standing outside this metal gate waiting for us to enter. We got to the gate and the young girl behind me tapped my shoulder and smiled. I gave her a blank stare and told myself it was too late to turn back. He opened the gate and again I was met with this long corridor. I was tired of all the doors, the security and the waiting.
We got to the end and took a left. There was a door at the end of this small hallway with a window. There it was, the visiting area….I peeked through and saw tables, chairs, a child’s play area and a few prisoners. I could hear people behind me talking about queuing up for the canteen because it can get real busy. The young lady warned me to get some snacks before I saw him but I didn’t care about that I just wanted to see him.
They took a while to let us in because a few prisoners were still being seated. I continued to look around waiting to see him. It didn’t take long to spot him. Even though he’d been there for a week or 2 he didn’t look to bad. I thought he’d look scared or shaken up but he just sat there waiting so patiently. I couldn’t help but think “my poor baby” I just wanted to squeeze him and tell him everything would be okay. I felt a lump in my throat…….The doors finally opened..
Stay Tuned For Part 12………
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He Went to prison (Part 10)

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I receive a message from my cousin asking if iv’e seen someones Snapchat. I then call her to ask what she was talking about because I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. I knew it. I just knew it. Leo had been locked up….and I just had this feeling that it was for something stupid.
That same night I received a phone call from Leo’s phone. It was a female. She told me that Leo had been locked up and that i’d need to meet up with her to drop off his things. I knew this was a bunch of nonsense 1. simply because me and Leo left on real bad terms and we hadn’t spoken for at least 3 months. 2. Leo has never given me his things because he knew I didn’t want anything to do with whatever he got himself into even if it was just clothes.
The girl on the phone was clearly confused because there was someone in the background telling her what to say to me. I told her I had nothing to do with Leo anymore, neither did I have anything of his belongings. I hung up and started to search through social media to find many “Free Leo” posts. As bad as it sounds I just couldn’t help myself from laughing because I just knew it, I can’t lie to you it was a bitter sweet feeling it was one of those “I told you so moments”. I constantly told him that one day something like this would happen if he didn’t be careful.
So I called his brother and asked what happened. He told me that he got 6 months and didn’t know what had happened. The last time I spoke to Leo he told me that he no longer cared for me, He couldn’t wait to marry someone else, have kids and rub it in my face. After that I swore i’d never speak to him again. Even though I still felt such rage and upset towards him I couldn’t help but want to know what had happened.
I called Leo’s phone and asked the girl for his details, she was acting a little weird, as if she didn’t want me to know where he was. She made me wait hours until I finally got information from his brother. I decided to call the prison and book a visit to see him……..boy did I just make the biggest mistake…
Stay Tuned For Part 11………
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I was forced to move on (Part 9)

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From what I remember me and Leo didn’t speak for two days after that “Incident” I couldn’t eat and I could barely sleep. I wanted to tell Leo so bad but I didn’t know how. P.s I’m not good at holding things in, especially when its something that I’ve done wrong. So I called my sister and my best friend to get their opinion Of course they both said not to tell him but I had to say something one way or another.
That same night Leo popped up and again all we did was argue. He said something that triggered me and out it came, just like that ” I cheated on you”. I don’t remember much from that convo but at first he didn’t believe me. I texted some of his friends to share the “news” and of course they were all disappointed as a few of them thought highly of our relationship.
I felt like rubbish and I knew exactly what I had just put him through simply because of Prince Charming. I was upset that I put him in the same position I was in. I was broken after being cheated on and as you all know by now it affected me in the worst way. So I begged to see him one night and I cried my eyes out, explaining why and begged for forgiveness.

He didn’t act how I thought me would, he was actually very sincere, listened what I had to say, he told me that he would forgive me but no longer trusted me. I took that and ran with it because I didn’t want to loose him. The next couple of months were awkward as hell. I tried so hard to prove to him that I was sorry. I deleted every boy on in my contacts and gave him access to my phone. Everything he said he was cautious of I no longer did. I was much more supportive and let him do what he needed to do, even though he still didn’t give me much time I didn’t complain because I felt I deserved such treatment after what I had done.

After a few months he started to get selfish and spoke to me as if I was something on the bottom of his shoe. He used the fact that I cheated every time to justify his actions towards me and at the time I just took it. Things between us just weren’t getting better and his friends would tell me to let him be.
I felt like he hated me, nothing I did for him was enough because “I cheated”. I knew what I did was wrong but he made sure I never forgot it. Things went from bad to worse but I stayed because I wanted to prove to him how sorry I was. I didn’t want to leave him thinking I cheated and I didn’t care for him. I knew things would never be the same but I kept looking back at how we were and held on to so much false hope.
We’d break up for months and then start talking again, this time round he no longer used me cheating as an excuse for our arguments. Of course I still felt guilty but it was like things were going back to how they were. He booked a hotel for us to stay in which was lovely, huge bed, breakfast in the morning and some alone time with the person I felt I owed so much to.
Of course that didn’t last long, at this point I felt that I had done all I could to prove to him that I was sorry. It clearly wasn’t enough so I finally let him go.
My life took a turn for the better. I started a new job, bought myself a car and started my YouTube channel. Even me and Prince Charming were on good terms, he showed up in my area one night and we had a genuine conversation about our current situations. He told me that he saw potential in me and to not let guys and past situationships define me. I appreciated what he was saying as he never really apologised for what he did so I kind of took that as his apology lol
I don’t know how but me and Prince Charming started to get close again but more in a friendly way. I’d go to his place to catch up on Power, watch movies, and we’d genuinely enjoy each others company. He drove so we took little trips out and one time we even went to the zoo which was actually amazing Lol. I won’t lie I was getting my hopes up a lot because it felt like old times, if not better. I could act myself around him, he was actually a real good friend. I could tell him anything, he gave me advice and was always there when I needed him. I spent so long trying to find closure over our situation by waiting days, months even years for an apology from him but I guess this was his way of saying sorry…
Stay Tuned For Part 10…….
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