I’ve been hesitant to write this post but I need to put this to rest once and for all because I cant be the only one that goes through such anxiety when it comes to making decisions big or small.
Do you find yourself getting in a pickle when it comes to making decisions?
Do you have mini anxiety attacks when something is left in your hands to deal with?
Do you get flustered when choosing paint for your bedroom?
Do you give yourself headaches when it comes to replying to a text message from Him/Her?
Do you work up a sweat choosing a juicy steak or a sweet sticky rack of ribs?
You get the drift…Lol
See the thing with me is I’ve had this problem from a very young age. I never liked to get in trouble and would get upset whenever I didn’t do something right. This resulted in me constantly asking questions, seeking validation and simply just going by what many others have told me I should do or what they would do.
Overtime I have struggled to make the some of the simplest and most life changing decisions and I’m not sure how to control my thoughts in a way where I don’t need to ask anyone what they think or if they would do this.
I mean It’s normal for us women to confide in our closest family/friends when it comes to romantic relationships right? But is it normal to ask a friend if you should take a potential job that could change your life? is it normal to ask about starting your own business which could possibly mean travelling the world and working from home? what about asking someone if you should save up to travel the world or for a car that you know you probably wont ever drive?
Are you getting where I’m going with this? I mean maybe it is just me and I am seriously messed up. But I’ve built this way of thinking where if I don’t get the “OK” from someone/anyone then I just cant proceed. Of course this isn’t with every decision I make although I must admit its a large majority.
If any of you have gone through or are going through the same thing I’d love to know what you do or have done to stop seeking such validation and just get on with it.
I visited him every 2 weeks after the first visit. I made a lot of sacrifices at the time but I didn’t care, as long as I got to see Him. For some reason I was always so excited despite the long waits, finger print scanning and sniffer dogs.
I just loved the fact that we were able to sit in a moment together just talking and joking for hours. No phones ringing, no interruptions. We hardly ever got to speak much on a serious level because he was such a closed person. He managed to get himself a job in the prison and was doing pretty well behavior wise so all I could think of was “early release”
I got myself so involved that I sent him things and wrote to him on a regular basis. I loved receiving phone calls (even though they only lasted 10 minutes) and letters from him which I put l in a special box along with the multicolored wristbands the prison gave you every visit.
I got so comfortable with the whole thing it became apart of my life. I put off plans and wanted to reach home at a certain time so I could read his letters, answer his phone calls on time, information about his case and speaking to solicitors. This is where the glue started to stick. I was informed he needed to provide some personal paper work which I had no idea how I was going to retrieve and on top of that, money to even afford a solicitor. In all honestly money was never the issue he handled all of that. It was a lot trying to find someone cheap and someone who had dealt with a case like his before.
I had to get in contact with his family to get this paperwork and then send it all off to be reviewed. I set up visits for his close friends to see him as well as his Mum who had tried so long to reach him. In my eyes I became that ride or die chick, I did whatever I could if it meant him coming home. It was stressful but I did it anyway, I felt that I owed him a lot after the pain and betrayal I had caused him.
We finally got the great news that he’d be getting an early release as the paperwork I sent cleared. The very last visit we spoke about our future and our plans for when he got out. It all sounded like a dream especially after what we had been through it was like that bright light you see at the end of a very dark tunnel. That power couple that had been through a lot but still made it in the end.
Little did I know I was in for the biggest shock of my life.
Stay tuned for part 13…..