I was somehow addicted to the feeling of being in a relationship/just having a physical being with me. The cuddles, the kisses, the physical touch, love and affection in general. I just craved it all. After Prince Charming I felt as if I couldn’t be alone and if it wasn’t him then I didn’t want anyone else. I hoped, wished and prayed that he’d come back 5 times out of 10 it would work but not the way I had planned Lol.
Each and every time we started speaking again I felt as if I was being used over and over. It got to a point where I built up some sort of courage that I’d do anything for us to speak again and be content with us not being in a relationship just to be with him physically. I was doing everything I would do in a relationship in exchange for some company/attention baring in mind I wasn’t in a relationship at all. Of course that hard front I tried to put up of me being okay with not getting exactly what I wanted in return got knocked right down. By the time I got home and really thought about what I was doing to myself as a young woman made me feel ashamed and so sick i hated myself. I cried myself to sleep almost every night.
“Why give relationship benefits to someone you’re not even in a relationship with?”
I gave myself some time after Prince Charming. I firmly believed that if I couldn’t have him then I didn’t want anyone else. I was put off of so many guys, I could barely look at someone else, I felt that I was cheating on him even though we weren’t even together and hadn’t been for the longest.
I was down for a long time and was constantly reminded of him whether it was a song I was listening to, an advert on the tv or something so small like a book on the table that happened to have his name on it. I hated taking a certain bus because it would take me down the route of where we used to chill. I didn’t like shopping in a certain area because I was afraid of seeing him. I barely liked speaking to people because certain conversations I had just reminded me of him. I locked myself away for a while, and I mean a while until I built up the strength to just let him go “Not completely” and find someone to “Replace” him. You all could guess how that went huh? Lol. I’ll tell you anyway.
So of course along the way I met a few guys some nice, some not so nice. At the time all I knew was being in a relationship, you know….the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing which unfortunately around this time didn’t exist. Guys these days never wanted anything serious..it was all just fun and games. I was naive enough to think that granting relationship privileges while not in an actual relationship would work. Guys were so good at covering up the fact that they only wanted one thing from you back then. Me being me i’d fall for it every time, Yes I tried the whole friends with benefits thing and it just didn’t work for me.
With Prince Charming gradually fading in my thoughts I started living my life. Tried going back to college wanting to make something of myself. Spent more time on me and it was actually working. Of course a few guys would pop up but at the time I knew what I wanted and if I wasn’t getting it then things would no longer continue. I was able to leave my house often and go out with friends more, it was difficult as I couldn’t help but think what if I go out and see him at the same club with another girl. Luckily that never happened until one night I went out and met someone new.
My life was about to change……
Stay Tuned For Part 6……