I lost Myself…The Beginning (Part 1)

loveyourself-self-esteem-quotesHey all, This one may be a long read so I suggest grabbing some tea and biscuits, and if you’re at home to wrap up and get cosy. I’m going to split this “story” into parts god knows how many there will be but I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and I find nothing more satisfying than writing when I’m in my feelings. I want to share with you all how life has been for me. Not necessarily from the beginning but from where I feel things went wrong.

Those who are asking why I’m doing this is because I’m a blogger (obviously) and I also see myself as an influencer. I haven’t yet discovered my blogs niche but I seem to have found comfort in writing about how I feel which fits in the category of lifestyle. There are things that I have been through, desicions I’ve made, actions I’ve taken for certain situations which have made me who I am today. I would love share my story and for you all to see how far iv’e come. Hopefully some of you can relate and continue this journey of finding myself again. I haven’t been professionally diagnosed with any sort of depression or anxiety so I will not say that is something I have experienced and knowing how serious mental health is, saying that I suffered from any of those may not be the right way to put it.
However I have experienced some very dark thoughts and been through a lot of heartache. But I couldn’t be more happier than to be here today sharing parts of my life with you readers. Things weren’t good, in fact they were terrible to a point where I no longer wanted to be here. My life has been a roller coaster and of course people have been through worse but this is how I felt and what I had been going through. Many of this my family don’t know but I have chosen to share this with you all as I’m in a much better place and feel that I can finally close chapters In the book of Alison’s life and claim some closure.
P.S Thank You For Reading
So I guess it all started in secondary to be honest I was a Tom boy. Hung with a lot of white girls not that there’s a problem with that and couldn’t give a F#*! about what people thought of me. I’d say from primary school up to about year 10 everything was great. I don’t know what it was but in year 10 and 11 everyone was so bothered about looks, having the most money and sex. Like most schools in my opinion each year had a Top 10 Best Looking list of some sort. Of course this didn’t really phase me because at the time I did what I wanted with myself (looks wise) and didn’t really care for what others thought.
I started hearing that a few boys took a liking to me, things started to change. My trousers turned into a skirt, my skirt got shorter, swapped my wallabies, kickers and Tigger cross body for dolly shoes and a hand bag. I’d take more time on hairstyles I thought would make me look more feminine and here is where she was created The tom boy who didn’t care turned into this character she thought she had to be in order to fit in, be seen or make an impression. Those Top Ten lists were now my concern as I wanted people to see me as pretty or even pretty for a black girl a lot of us can relate to that although I have never really felt that my skin tone was a problem. I wanted the attention, I liked the hugs, random Facebook adds from boys I felt we’re attractive at the time lol.

By mid year 10 my friend group changed, I hung with a lot of black girls again not a bad thing I loved it to be honest we just a lot more in common. So still this character of mine was cornered about looks and clothes, I then broke out with acne. All along my forehead, I remember this horrible lump on my nose that took almost a year to go away. I started to judge myself and couldn’t stand looking in the mirror. Makeup wasn’t really a big thing back then so we had to deal with any type of skin issues out in the open. I just felt horrible and decided to cut myself a fringe to cover the breakouts which only made it 10x worse because of the bacteria from the hair products. Surprisingly a lot of people said they barely noticed mmhmmm but when it’s on you it’s a different story, you see every scar and every lump.

It wasn’t until end of year 10 going out to little Raves became a thing me and my cousin would go to events drinking juice listening to some old school R&B and bashment, leaving the club with our hair soaking wet and white jeans looking like zebra leggings. I’d never felt so much satisfaction in one night just from all the attention from boys wanting to dance with me, I loved it. So of course I’d go out often, telling my parents I was staying with a friend not all the time lol sometimes they knew I was going out. Baring in mind I was about 14-15. Party after party from Brixton splash to Hyde park water fights I just wanted to be noticed by guys. It’s like I needed that confidence boost. No I was not having sex and from what I remember the last time I kissed a guy was in primary so no there was no intimacy going on apart from dancing at parties. Until one day my number was passed on from one friend to another. It happened. Yes it happened, unfortunately this wasn’t even someone I had feelings for nor was I interested in him, it just happened and at the time I was 15.

I didn’t see that person again but after experiencing sex for the first time It wasn’t something I felt had to happen again. I was the introduced to this guy by a friend who ended up being my

boyfriend for the next month or two. This relationship I’d say was one of those that you’d rather not talk about, you know those ones that you wish just didn’t happen….yeah. Long story short it was a confusing relationship we were young 15/16 and just all over the place. Things got toxic, he became aggressive, very clingy and then abusive. physically and mentally. As a 15/16 year old I didn’t know what to do in a situation like that so I turned a blind eye to it. Until my family got involved and the whole situationship shut down.
Stay Tuned For Part Two……………
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