As long as this story is I don’t want it to be as long as my others. So I want to put it all in this post without having to split it into parts. However I will create a separate post answering questions some of you may have about this experience.
So where did it all start? I met him (let’s call him Blue) when I was 17 on this online game I used to play way back called IMVU. We instantly connected and started “dating”. Back then it was just a game and I was young so I didn’t really take it seriously.
Neither of us played that much so we only spoke when we could. After going through a lot in the real world when it came to relationships speaking to someone virtually helped relieve some stress. If you have read my story already you’d know that back then I was very vulnerable. I didn’t like being alone. I wanted to be in a relationship and would jump at almost any opportunity to say and feel as if I had a partner.
If that meant speaking to someone online then I was fine with it. Even though it pained me not being able to physically be with this person. I was content with the fact that I could share my thoughts and feelings with someone. As expected being so young and living many miles apart from each other we were on and off. Of course life happens.
At one point we were strong for about 6 months. Constant phone calls and Skyping, we would speak for hours on end and we were obsessed with each others accents. I had met some of his family and he met some of mine so no guys he wasn’t a Catfish lol he was real from his face to his birthday suit I saw everything Lol.
We always spoke about seeing each other and planned a future of course. I don’t want to get into too much detail but you know how those conversations go. Exchanging I love you’s, sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings. He was a little more closed off than me. He had no problem telling me how he felt about us but he was a lot more reserved when it came to his personal life. We spoke about his family a lot, his career etc. But when it came to his mental state it was hard for him to tell me what was going on in his head. For someone that’s dealt with being depressed it concerned me because I know it’s never a good idea to keep certain things in.
Whenever something wasn’t going right with him, he’d shut down and at the same time he’d shut me out. Communication would be off, he’d act super distant and I just couldn’t get through to him. Me being me someone who was crazy about love and genuinely had feelings for Blue I would go off on him any and every time I felt communication wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I’ll admit, I came across as crazy at times because I couldn’t go a day without speaking to him. I expected a call everyday, if not a call then an explanation as to why he didn’t call or text me all day or why he’s taking so long to reply to my texts.
So I guess me constantly moaning at him to speak to me on top of whatever he had going on it probably got on top of him at times. Although it never came across that this had angered him I knew deep down that I was adding to his stress.
Blue did not like confrontation. Whenever things were bad between us he would never show anger. Frustration maybe but that’s as far as it went. He was always respectful and would never say hurtful things out of anger and that’s what I loved about him the most.
He always complimented me. I can’t remember one phone call where he didn’t tell me I was beautiful, my smile was beautiful and how much he loved seeing me without my makeup. He made me feel so special versus the ex’s in my past. He seemed really into me. I felt he genuinely wanted to be with me. He told most of his family about me and I’d speak to his siblings and other members in his family. Of course we planned to meet each other but in the beginning it wasn’t practical due to our age and financial situation. As My feelings grew stronger it hurt even more that I just couldn’t be with him.
I don’t exactly remember what happened but we stopped talking for a very long while, just over a year and half maybe even 2 years. He popped back up and I wasn’t happy with the way things ended the first time but it didn’t take us long to get things back to how they were it was amazing. Constant phone calls, speaking about our future you name it. It was like we never stopped talking in the first place. I loved speaking to him, awkward silences and all he just made me happy.
I had fully committed to him and did not entertain any other guy whilst we were speaking to each other. I was so proud and had no problem telling anyone that I was in a long distance relationship. Many people would ask me questions some laughed and thought I was crazy. When people asked if I trusted him seeing as he was in a whole different country and I said yes. Blue never made me feel as if I needed to question his loyalty to me I trusted him 100% and still feel that way even though we no longer speak. I had no interest in speaking to anyone but him. Again Blue had some personal things going on within his family so again he started to distance himself. Communication was off and I went back to my miserable moaning self. I was tired of the empty promises about coming to see me. I was tired of the same conversations about our future because nothing was getting done about it. So eventually once again everything fizzled out.
So last year (2018) in August Blue came back. This time I was not convinced in the slightest. He sent these paragraphs explaining that he was finally in a position to come and see me so we could officially start the process of planning our future together. He sent me screen shots of tickets that he had been researching to come to London. At that moment I thought “okay this is new” he constantly spoke about the ticket prices, he even started asking me how much it cost to rent a place out here and how he researched about applying for a visa. So of course I was overly excited. We had never got this far before. we’re a lot older now and both of us were in good places so I had no doubt in my mind that things would work out.
You’ve probably guessed it already but yeah once again Blue’s life got hectic so he distanced himself yet again. He would go days without texting me but by this time I expected it because he had done it many times in the past. Instead of getting angry and sending him text after text about how selfish he was I just got on with my life and stopped worrying about someone I felt clearly didn’t worry about me at the time. After a while I told him how I felt about the lack of communication anytime things went wrong in his life and instantly things changed.
He would make sure that he checked in with me everyday. Any time he knew we wouldn’t be able to talk due to his busy schedule, he’d always message me. The UK is 5 hours ahead so it was hard for us to speak because by the time he was up I was getting ready to go to bed. I’d set an alarm almost every night to wake up at 3am just so I could speak to him. So this lasted up to about 3 weeks.
I left my job in October which meant I had so much free time on my hands, all I wanted to do was speak to him. I kept asking him when he was coming to see me. He would say that he just had a few things to sort out over there. Until one day he said that it would be better for me to come to the US and that he’d pay for my ticket. At first I almost passed out. I was so scared. Going to America to meet a guy? I just couldn’t come to terms with it. After talking to a few people I finally thought do you know what? why not? This is an opportunity I’ll probably never get, plus he lives in New York so that would be an amazing experience.
I finally told him that I was okay with him paying for my ticket. I didn’t really get the response I was looking for but I just thought he’s a guy he isn’t really going to start screaming and crying down the phone. So after that, there wasn’t really much talk about it. I mean I was expecting us to start planning transport and the dates id be flying out there but there was nothing. It was like he had forgotten that I was willing to risk my life by going out there to see him Lol. He then told me that he was having financial issues and went back to his distant self so I stopped mentioning going out there to see him because it seemed he had way too much going on.
A week went by and he hadn’t called or texted me at all. It was honestly causing me so much stress but I didn’t want to show it. I wanted to prove that I could handle situations like this because life happends and we arent always going to get to speak to eachother due to obvious reaons. Just before he disappeared we had an emotional conversation where he actually broke down crying and wouldn’t tell me why. He promised to call me back and explain everything but he never did. He then sent me texts saying that whatever happened had affected him in a real bad way and he couldn’t tell me what was going on. So you could only imagine what was going through my head at the time. I was just so confused.
After that week it was clear that he had left, yet again. Who goes a whole week without speaking to someone they love? I was convinced that it was done. There was no way of coming back from this. I was tired of just being shut out for no reason, it wasn’t fair. I then get a call on my phone at about 7pm. It was Blue. Here he was speaking to me like nothing ever happened. Everything in me wanted to give him a piece of my mind but I was so over it at this point. He told me that he had finally got a new job and things were looking up for him. As happy as I was for him, I wanted to know why he was so emotional before deciding to disappear. He told me that he didn’t want to speak about it and he would rather me just forget it happened. I was taken back at first and really wanted to hang up but I kept the conversation going to hear whatever it was he had to say.
So he started talking about his future and how he was planning to buy a house with his family and how their building a business out there. I sat waiting for him to mention our future….but there was nothing. At this point my responses were very blunt and short because I just didn’t understand how just weeks before we were planning our future and now he’s completely shut me out. He kept throwing these little “I still love you” and “I haven’t forgotten about you” comments and honestly they were going through one ear and out the other. I was so over it that I cut the conversation short. I sent him a text right after telling him that I thought it was best that we just focused on ourselves and left it at that.
So that’s it guys the story on my long distant relationship. Unfortunately I didn’t get the fairytale ending I had hoped for. In all honesty when he came back last year I felt deep down that he wasn’t the one. Something was telling me to no longer waste my time on this situation. Even though he was not a bad guy at all, there was so many red flags I had been ignoring. The key red flag was communication. When you’re in a long distant relationship all you can do is talk to each other, communicating is the only way for you to really connect since you can’t connect physically. So without that key element there’s no point in trying to pursue anything. I was so caught up on this story of meeting this guy in America and spending the rest of my life with him. wouldn’t that just be an amazing story to tell your children? As great as the experience was it sucks that things never worked out and I still ask myself “what was really wrong with him?” I hope one day he’ll pop back up and explain but as for now I guess I just need to move on.